Stop by each week for a new joke and text "joke" to 77000 for the punchline!
Little boy sneaks into strip club
Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking off their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!". The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!".
Wife in Coma
A woman is in a coma. And her crying husband is sitting bedside when the doctor comes in with a last ditch effort to revive the wife, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The doctor leaves the husband to try the unusual method with his wife. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The doctor and nurses run into the room and ask the husband what happened. To which the frazzled husband says, "I think she choked."
Biker with small penis
One night a biker picked up a beautiful woman at a biker bar. When they arrived at her place, the woman pulled off his pants and was sorely disappointed to discover he had a very small c**k. “Who do you plan on pleasing with this little thing?” she asked. Kissing her once again, the biker replied, “Me!”
Intruder ties up Married Couple
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.' 'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!'
Man Explains What a Girly Part Looks Like
A man and his four year old son are talking, when his son asks him "Dad, what does a p***y look like?" The Dad confused, asks him " before or after sex?" The kid says "Ummm before sex" So the dad says to him "Well have u ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red peddles." "yeah" says the son."well what about after sex" he says to his dad. His dad replies " Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"
Christmas Eve-3 Men Go To Heaven
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy". The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" The third man answered "They're Carol's."
DJ-Girl mourns goldfish
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?” “My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn’t it?” Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your f****g cat.”
DJ-Marriage Counseling
A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems. The counselor sits them down and says "Let's start by talking about what you both have in common." The husband says, "Well for starters, neither one of us will suck a d***."
Neil Armstrong on the moon landing
Joe is walking down the street when he sees Neil Armstrong coming toward him. Joe says, "Hey, you're Neil Armstrong, aren't you?" Neil says, "Yes, I am." "Man, you're my biggest hero," Joe says, "and that speech you gave about one small step for man and one giant leap for mankind was just awe-inspiring." "You have to understand something about that speech," Neil says. "Back then, communications weren't that good and that's not what I said." "Well, what did you say?" Joe asks. "I said, 'That's one small step for man and one giant leap for Dan Rind.'" Joe is confused and asks, "Who the hell is Dan Rind?" "Well, he's my next-door neighbor," Neil says. "What the hell has he got to do with anything?" Joe asks. "You see," Neil says, "about three months before the launch, I was walking past Dan's open bedroom window when I heard his wife exclaim, 'They'll put a man on the moon before you stick that in my mouth.'"
Brutus The Thanksgiving Parrot
Martha had a parrot called Brutus, the only problem was that Brutus cussed something awful. Now Martha was having her in-laws over for Thanksgiving, and so she needed to train Brutus quickly not to swear. Just before her Mother-in-law was due Brutus cussed terribly, so Martha but him in the freezer for 2 minutes to literally cool off. Then she opened the door and took out the parrot along with the turkey. 'And have you learned your lesson about cussing?' Martha asked the parrot. Brutus the parrot took one look at the dead turkey and said: 'I sure have. But I have one question, "What the f**k did the turkey do?" '
